JUDE UMOREN

In the dead of the night I lay completely still. Watching the sourvenirs our memories have become. I keep thinking about how and what we used to feel. This gradually attracts depression to which I succumb. Sometimes I put on a big smile like nothing is wrong. But deep within, I can feel my happiness wither. While I give the fake impression that I'm strong. When it comes to strength, I don't feel that either. Some days I wish these are just terrible dreams. When I remember all the things I thought I forgot. But a reality without you is tougher than it seems. Ever since you left me I've been through a lot. Your absence is a presence I can never deal with. I tell people you still love me but deep down I doubt. They say love never dies but yours?, I can't feel it. Didn't you say I'm someone you can't live without?. Who will ring my phone at midnight to ask if I'm asleep? Who will I run to when my inner demons won't let me be? Who wi...

When I tell you I love you, know that I can say other things too. But this is the only thing I'm ready to commit to. When I tell you I love you, you just have to believe me. Because I may breakdown if you leave me. Whenever I tell you I love you, it feels stranger than it seem. Because I'm not used to people saying what they actually mean. When I tell you I love you, Please don't be skeptical if I really mean it. Because my biggest fear is looking into your future and not finding me in it. When I tell you I love you, Please let go of your insecurities. Because while You're insecure, lack of trust emerges from obscurity. When I tell you I love you, These words erupts from the depth of my heart. While you are willing to love me too, I'm willing to play my part. When I tell you I love you, know it's hard because you are the girl of my dreams. For God so loved my world, with you in it I'm convinced.

One day I'll bite the dust. Leaving behind everything I believe in and trust. Scared if Christ doesn't have my soul then I'm lost. Worried I'll forever be trapped beneath Earth's crust. One day I'll be dead as a doornail. Stop at heaven's gate thinking if I lived right before I ring it's doorbell. Even when I know my bag of sins are as heavy as a dumbbell. I'll run out of hope, there won't be light at the end of the tunnel. One day I'll give up the ghost. Leaving behind people and things I loved the most. Not sure of how I'll account myself to the Lord of host. I'm not your favorite so how will my obituary get you engrossed?. One day I'll go to meet my maker. Would I be or not be punished for all the times I bickered?. Or times I flirted around so my friends would call me "heartbreaker"?. Or times I acted holy in front of my pastor when I'm just a faker?. One day I'll kick the bucket. The...

I don't hope things should get any better Once you get to read this apology letter I'm sorry that you were subjected to abuse as a child It was obvious that the trauma always had you riled I'm sorry I was always right when we fight everytime I'm sorry you didn't like seeing me have a peace of mind I'm sorry for things I had and haven't done I'm sorry for more things that were yet to come Why did you leave me when I needed you the most I knew our love was dead but I do believe in ghosts You left me without letting your motives known Maybe you thought I'd feel punished if I'm alone It's hard to rely on people in this world we live in I knew you wouldn't change but I kept on believing I'm not filled with remorse for letting you go I know you'll need time to work on your ego I was your cure while you were my sickness I was your strength while you were my weakness And judging from every point of view The prob...

My mouth is pregnant with tons of words. And not finding anyone to talk to really hurts Loneliness became the ocean I was drowning in.  Loneliness was the sound of music surrounding me. Sometimes I felt its stench filling up the room. Countless nights, it kept me staring at the moon. I could hear it whisper "suicide" in my ears. Breathing became a threat and living, one of my greatest fears Loneliness got me paranoid. Inculcated me with habits I couldn't avoid. I couldn't blend in with the crowd because of discrimination. Was I created this way or did I deserve this condemnation? I was a free man yet its loyal prisoner. A gun in sight, this suicide thoughts has been seasonal What will happen if I end everything with the gun? Will I be forgiven for my actions when I'm gone? I've seen similar suicidal cases on socials and on the Press That leaves me with the question "Am I lonely or just depressed?"

I will give up everything just to be happy again. I put on a fake smile hoping it will numb the pain. What it actually does feels like hiding my tears in the rain. The thought of deceiving everyone except me drives me insane. I know you don't love me but my heart doesn't understand that. It still has feelings for someone who thinks I'm substandard. This rejection is so intense that not everyone can withstand that. I may move on after mourning my feelings for you I once had. Don't leave me hanging with a thousand words unspoken. Every passing day is a nightmare I need to be awaken. There's too much on my mind and I'm barely coping. I can't fake happiness in a crowd it's obvious I'm moping. I love myself already, I just need to be cared for. Knowing you're less concerned hurts me to the core. I'm persistent yet if I fail, I'm walking out the door. Because I'm broken by this love story gone sour.

Some days I wake up, scared the day may be my last I haven’t done much good deeds judging from my past I gave my life to Christ but took it back the next day Know sinning is wrong but still do bad things my friends say I go to sleep without praying like I had a fight with God But wake up screaming “JESUS” when I dream of losing blood People ask how I’m doing and I lie “I’m fine” But can’t even enjoy life knowing I’m running out of time There’s light at the end of the tunnel and that’s hope But some thoughts make me want to end life with a rope I attempted to do the wrong, I attempted to let life go Now I wear long sleeves afraid my attempts will show Everything hurts, failed promises, heartbreaks and backbiting To a point, the ones I call friends are also demons I’m fighting Sucked up in a black hole, trying to escape depression But you can’t run away from what will always be your reflection Saturday nights, I feel the pressure, I get depressed Sunday morning, ...

My name is Jude Umoren and I’m not a bad person My recent strange behaviors results from past lessons Don’t judge my life by the chapter you walked in on Because I’ve good and bad days just like everyone I pretend I’m a good singer and also wish I could dance I don’t hold grudges because I’ve got my future in my hands I hate complications so I try making my life simple I’m an introvert and extrovert, it differs with people The only open relationship I have is between me and my bed I’m a victim to depression that without grace, I’d be dead I fall in love faster than you’d fall into a swimming pool I’m too sensitive and just like most people, I hate school Sometimes I walk into a room and wonder why I even came in I can do bad things too but my excuse is home training I’ve lost so many friends because of my honest opinions I know they’ll come back once I start making my millions And if after all these you don’t still like me, Jude Then the problem isn’t me, it’s ...

One-sided Love When our paths crossed, I thought we were meant to be forever To some extent, I day-dreamed about us saying our vows on the altar Because I was attracted to your personality and dazzling eyes Thought it was love but it was lust in disguise As time went on, it seemed like I was trying too hard Wanting to be in a relationship, your future kids calling me Dad I told you about my feelings for you hoping it will be mutual But you kept replying with the “LOL” text. As usual There I was, both a loser and the chairman of your friend-zone Awaiting a text from you, I stayed glued to my phone I’m broken but you never seemed to care to even notice My friends say you don’t love me, but I don’t want to know this But maybe they’re right because you never admitted loving me back You always replied with silence like your words would break my heart There was no crime in telling me you were seeing someone else Perhaps, I could have moved on or decided to stay by mys...

Every night as I lay in my bed I fall into a river of thoughts flowing in my head I ponder over most of them Some thoughts becomes a problem And without considerations I settle on harsh decisions I once decided; That never again will I love Because I wasn't good at that stuff To always avoid the only isolated lad; Evans Because of what I heard about him Whereas he's just a victim of circumstance Perhaps a discriminated human being That I'll judge people based on looks Forgetting that none created themselves Oh! what I bad path that I took As if for a day, I can be someone else That after my misunderstanding with Taofeek The conversation between us will end But I just heard he died last week Meaning we can't settle our dispute again After all, there's one thing I understand Laziness and procrastination were my bedfellows So I kept rescheduling my plans Because of my belief in a thousand tomorrows These were decisions from a poisoned ...

A thousand words won't bring you back I know because I've tried Neither will a thousand tears I know because I've cried We were two love birds but you flew away You were the brightest star in my nights but you didn't shine today I was your Romeo  and you my Juliet But I didn't die yet you left You were my beauty and I, your beast Now I'm a lone wolf and it's you I miss You brought me sunshine when I only saw rain You brought me laughter when I only felt pain You were my sun, You used to make my life bright But now you are gone, my days turns nights Every morning when I wake up and you're not beside me I feel like Jesus and you're the Peter that denied me After I fell in love I failed in love I'm glad you are doing fine Yet sad, You're no longer mine We said Goodbye but I want you to know Goodbye is Goodbye but not forever though.

In 2015, I was in your DM With so many messages, hoping you’ll see them With a great personality, hoping we could be friends Hoping you’ll be aware of my existence In 2016, I was at your heart Hoping you’ll open for me, hoping I’ll be part Of your symphony and your thought Hoping you’ll have fond feelings for me a lot Despite the fact that you’re a snot And so you did, I was overwrought In 2017, We were lovers of the year Never saw each other cry or shed a tear Because seeing each other down was our greatest fear But at a point, we were no longer in love I knew a third party was involved 14th February 2018, I was at your door Knocking vehemently, watching you ignore I looked smart and wore fragrance Full of ambition and importance But what was the essence Of dressing to this extent? “Maybe you went on a date with him” Says a voice from within Or maybe you locked up yourself, reading! I know you woke up to withered roses by your doorstep They were still ...